You can now find me at

gaming the human organism

I had an idea while I was off my rocker on legal Californian edibles, and unlike most of the ideas I think up in this state, I remained convinced of its profoundness the next morning.

My new goal (call it a New Years' Resolution if you want; time is a social construct) is to understand the human body. On a deep, molecular level described by all the wonders of modern science.

There are so many video games in which I can intricately describe the numbers and concepts behind the game: which stats give what boosts, how to use this item to subvert the rules, why standing in this specific hallway causes your opponent to think something other than what you're actually doing, and so on.

I want to understand the human circulatory system, nervous system, skeletal system, and especially the endocrine system, on that level. I believe there is a lot of human philosophy that can be gleaned from understanding the most basic components that compose our bodies.

Since I was young, I have felt a…

AWD Style Guide

I’ve slowly grown more comfortable with my own inconsistencies in my writing and formatting. You’ve ALL noticed that I sometimes leave i uncapitalized, a deliberate move on my part to show that I’m not taking that particular sentence too seriously, nor taking myself seriously enough to justify the capitalization of the first person.
Sometimes I’ll italicize the name of a film or TV show, but other times I don’t. Sometimes I switch present, past, and participle tense in the middle of a sentence. I respect Associated Press, APA, and MLA style guides, but being 100% beholden to them is too limiting to linguistic creativity. If I italicized “Watchmen” every time I mentioned it in a 2,500-word review, it would (1) get old real fast for both me and the reader, and (2) prevent me from using italics for a word or phrase I want to emphasize or draw attention to.
I’ve accepted that my sentences are complex and long-winded. They just are. Grammarly gets pissed at me all the time for it, and whi…

writer's block

Except not really. It's just insecurity.

My teenage years were spent mostly on the internet, and in offline single-player video games. I'm not gonna bore you with therapy talk about all the ways my life sucked as a kid, but just know that it wasn't great. For better or worse, the authors I grew up reading were Tucker Max, Maddox, Philalawyer, and other exaggerated humor satirists. Eventually I accepted the thought that my life was also pretty interesting and funny at times (though obviously for very different reasons) and I started writing. I've taken year+ breaks, but I've never really stopped writing.

I'm pretty open about my difficulty battling my own pathological narcissism, and it directly applies here. The flip side of narcissism is that it's often rooted in deep insecurity. For the same reason that men who feel underwhelming in bed drive really loud trucks and motorcycles, the person who thinks they're Queen of the World has constructed that int…

making money on the internet

I've been a writer and blogger for 17 years, and now I'm branching out to YouTube and Mixer/Twitch. But I keep running into the same issue in all these various ventures: creative freedom.

There's nobody explicitly telling me to censor myself, or to create clickbaity titles in order to generate more views; I should be so lucky. It's a much more subtle concept that keeps creeping up.

There's a "moral" problem to be sure, in that I hate clickbait, so titling things like "Read about how this EXTREME THING happened! Read until the end: You won't believe your eyes!" would absolutely kill me inside. I'd "become the very thing I swore to destroy" or "live long enough to see myself become the villain" or whatever moral movie trope you choose.

But that's not even what I'm talking about. The problem has been taken a step further. The YouTube algorithms won't even promote your content at all if it isn't titled an…

i'm on YouTube now

I've been VERY busy creating and editing YouTube videos with AmandaLenaB, another person you may have heard of if you're reading this blog.

Check us out at and check me out at

The "Bread Sweat" videos are more interesting, featuring both me and Amanda playing the same game together and joking around about it. The "AdamDes" videos are side projects of mine: a mixture of storytelling concept videos I'm trying out, games I play solo without Amanda, and random game data testing videos.

When I'm streaming, you can watch me live at — I may or may not have my camera and/or microphone turned on, depending on the game, and I may or may not be sober, depending on the day.

I'm working on a few posts for this blog: A small essay on why I'm REALLY single right now, a bit on watching movies with subtitles, and my impressions of edibles now that I'm out of the …

kids these days and their myspace

Online/text communication is no longer as emotionless and lacking in context as it used to be. Millennials and Gen Zs have invented many creative ways to express yourself without voice, in ways such that it is now very easy to tell when someone seems “off” or in some kind of bad mood over text.
Asking questions without punctuation: “what” “is it really, though” “why are you like this” You’re more stating something than actually looking for an answer to your question. They’re bland-affect rhetorical questions, in a sense.
Emojis are now standard, included in your phone’s default keyboard settings, and programmed into most apps. Back in my day I used to have to type out a bunch of arguments for why someone is an idiot, but now I can just respond with 🙄 
We don’t just have “Lol” anymore. There are a whole range of “hahaha” and “lololol” and “lmaoooo” and “HAHAHAHA OMG” to the point where if someone sent me a meme and I just replied with “lol” it would seem like I only found it mildly funny. We…

my health

This is an update on how I generally spend my day, health-wise. (I wrote a lot of the outline for this in my head while on a bike ride yesterday morning.)


I've been taking caffeine pills (200 mg each, equivalent to a cup or two of coffee) since I was about 15 years old. As an adult, I've had a tumultuous off-and-on relationship with caffeine in general. It became clear that I was having a problem when I needed 4+ every day just to feel awake at all. When I realized that, I quit cold turkey, dealt with the headaches for a couple days, and then almost immediately began to feel better.

I now use caffeine completely in moderation, but most days I have zero caffeine at all. Of all the various substances I've used and abused over the course of my life, caffeine is the worst. I can drink a ton of water to avoid an alcohol hangover, but if you regularly drink caffeinated beverages (coffee, soda) and then quit, there is no avoiding the 2-3 days of sluggishness. You are goi…

I moved to California

It hasn't been public knowledge for about a year, but I feel like I can resurface again. I worked as an intelligence analyst for the military for about seven years, and that is now complete. My "terminal leave" ended last fall.